Has it been a month already? I feel like I stepped off the plane last week. The days crawl and the weeks fly I guess. But enough of that, and on to the good stuff.
This week was hard. There´s just no other way to describe it. Just plain hard. I worked hard and prayed hard. But hey, turns out, a mission is hard. Who knew, right?
What made it hard? Really just one thing. Hearing a returned missionary talk about the miracle of seeing "the change". The change of life, or the change in the spirit of a person that is like "night from day". The change that preaching the gospel to people is supposed to bring. I want so badly so be able to see this miracle in the lives of people, and I know that it´s possible. But, I havn´t seen it yet, and it´s hard, just plain hard to realize that I´ve just got to be patient and diligent and give my 100% percent, and let the lord do his work in his own time.
What makes it all the more difficult is the doubt, or even fear that comes when you don't see the results of your labors. I don't know how many times this week I've wondered "what is it that I'm doing wrong", or "why am I not good enough". These questions are essential for self-improvement, but are not necessarily the funnest to be having.
In reality, there's probably more I can do. There's probably some 1 or 2 % of myself that I havn't been able to give yet. I don't know if I've fully realized what it means to "forget myself", but I'm determined to do it. I refuse to give up. I will not quit, and I'll just do the only thing that I can, which is work harder. Pray harder. Testify more. Love more perfectly. And trust completely.
And so, I will wait and see if "my all" if good enough, and if it's not, I'll just try and find more "all" in myself to give.